Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 93. October 1 1887 by Various

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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE may be visited freely by pleasure-seekers, in whom, as Members of Burial Clubs, their families take a lively interest.

REAL PLEASURE, to be experienced nightly by those who pay a visit to

THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE, affording the only recognised Incombustible Entertainment on record.

WANTED, A THESEUS;

HALF-man, half-horse! A fitting blend indeed To type the monster of a modern breed, The mongrel thing, half Houyhnhnm to the view, But fouler than the Swiftian Yahoo, Who makes the race-course rascaldom's resort, And shames the manliest scenes of British Sport.

Curse of the race-course and the cinder-path! Roughdom no dirtier, darker danger hath,-- Roughdom, that gulf of guilt with peril rife, That lurks beneath our glittering civic life, Like fires beneath the smiling southern wave, Which, given volcanic vent, make earth a grave And sea a sepulchre. Top bold it grows In the neglect of its appointed foes, The modern Fenris-wolf whose ravening maw Needs muzzling with the Gleipner-chain of Law. EURYTUS at the banquet gorged with glee; "Most savage of the savage Centaurs," he, As OVID sings. PIRITHOUS, lulled to trust, Forgot the secret strength the lurking lust, Until wine-freed and fury-fired they broke, From sleek civility's too slender yoke; Then tables overset, and feast disturbed, Destructiveness unleashed, and wrath uncurbed, "The appearance of a captured city," lent To the late scene of concord and content; Then disappointed craft and thwarted greed, Broke law's frail barriers like a trampled reed, And the tumultuous storm of wild desire, Found vent in rioting force and ravening fire.

Is there no moral in the classic tale? Let vigilance but sleep and vigour fail, Authority of prescience be bereft, And, like HIPPODAMIA, Law is left To battling, fierce brute forces, prone to blood, Civilisation's coarser Centaur-brood. Of old the heroes conquered. At the stroke Of angered THESEUS' club of knotted oak, The Centaurs feared and fled toward the sea, Pursued by the triumphant Lapithae, Law's Lapithae lay prone in our late fray. Do we not need a THESEUS then to-day?

NOT A "DEUS EX MACHIN?."

SOME philosophers are very anxious to demonstrate that man is a mere Automaton. A man, however, can at any rate be regulated, and, at need, "run in," which it seems that the Automatic Cigarette and Sweetmeat Machines now so much in vogue cannot. Naughty little boys are convicted of beguiling them of Butter Scotch by means of discs of card and base metal, instead of coins of the realm. On the other hand the Automata are charged with absorbing the coppers of honest would-be purchasers without rendering up the proper portion of Toffee or Tobacco. Machines which are at once dishonest themselves and the cause of dishonesty in others can hardly be looked upon as an improvement upon living vendors, who if they have little conscience to appeal to, have at least persons to be punished.

HYGIENIC.

No; that sickly-looking child that you notice entering the Board School is not, as you imagine, "pining for the fresh air of the country." He is recovering from an acute attack of scarlet fever, and is described by his fond parent as "peeling wonderful."

"Why does the medical man who attends the case,"--you ask--"not give instant notice to the Local Sanitary Authority, the Parish Doctor, the School Board Officials, and the nearest Fever Hospital?" Because self-preservation is the first law of nature, and also because in London neither the registration nor the isolation of infectious disease is considered at all essential.

Of course it is to be regretted that some of the fever patients who were taken the other day first to the West London Hospital in Hammersmith, then to the London Fever Hospital, and afterwards to Stockwell, and who finally--as those institutions were quite full--spent the night in a draughty corridor of the Homerton work-house, should have collapsed owing to exhaustion; but then what an admirable thing it is that there should be so many places for the reception--or rejection--of patients, and that they should be scattered all over the Metropolis!

It is really rather irritating that the laundress, whose services we have had to dispense with owing to five of her children being down with typhus, should call us "selfish" and "finicking," and threaten to summon us to the Police Court for interfering with her business.

Yes, a trip by steamer on the Thames can be confidently recommended to delicate persons in search of health. Wrap the whole face in cotton-wool, which has previously been soaked in some powerful disinfectant. Get the man at the wheel to sprinkle your clothing every ten minutes with the anti-cholera mixture. When passing "Barking Outfall," be particularly careful to go below, and keep your head completely buried in a basin containing a mixture of smelling salts in solution and Eau de Cologne. Beyond a sore throat for a week or two, you will probably--thanks to these precautions--experience no evil results.

SUBJECT FOR A GRAND HISTORICAL CARTOON.

ALL IN PLAY.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

GARDEN TALK.

"MIGHTY POLITE."--Last week Mr. HARRINGTON, Barrister-at-Law , was called to account by Mr. EATON, and threatened with removal from the Court over which that Magistrate presided, for conduct unworthy of a Counsel. Had "the learned gentleman" had the advantage of the influence of another Eton earlier in his career, his manners would doubtless have been less deficient in polish.

A PLANK OF THE WRONG PLATFORM.--The Plank-bed.

BAD HOMBURG.

TRAVEL NOTES, FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Walked to-day by devious shady ways to Friedrichsdorf, a few miles out; a quaint old-world village of charmingly-tiled houses, straggling down a villanously paved street. Only one street in Friedrichsdorf, but more in it than meets the eye. Houses have way of playing hide-and-seek; you look up passage that seems entry to back of premises, when, lo! there lurks a complete house, with tiny casement-windows, and graciously-sloped red-tiled roof. JESSIE COLLINGS ought to know Friedrichsdorf, and Right Hon. RITCHIE would find in it encouragement for Amended Allotments Bill. It is, like many other villages hereabout, home of colony of small land-proprietors. All the rich and smiling country that lies around is theirs. Passed them working in the fields, men and women, comfortably dressed, sturdy, and apparently happy as day is long. Every man has at least his three acres, many more; the cow is also there, but is chiefly in shaft of cart or plough. As we picked way down awesome street, Friedrichsdorf, save for few children and old men, seemed deserted village; all able-bodied inhabitants at work in field. By-and-by, when sun goes down, they come trooping home, tramping down stony street, a jocund throng.

SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH.

She--my brown-eyed divinity of the Phrenology lecture--was on one of the seats, which redeemed a drive otherwise prosaic. We went to ruined castle; scenery unpicturesque . Starmouth children ran by side of carriage, turning head-over-heels, and gasping comic songs for coppers. Had last glimpse of them standing gratefully in a row on their heads.

I have taken the plunge--LOUISE has consented. She tells me that she was won by my appearance in the Professor's chair, and still more by the character he gave me. How our choicest blessings masquerade! Drama, for the moment, in the background--but only apparently so. Literature has no stimulus like love, and I am constantly talking the play over with LOUISE. She has made one suggestion that convinces me she has a keen sense of dramatic effect--a hornpipe in one of the Acts. I am to read her the first Scene, as soon as it is put into shape.

Her brother "ALF" is expected down to-night. LOUISE is certain we shall "take to one another," he has "such spirits," and is "quite a cure." Always thought a "cure" was a kind of jumping clown--but ALF is a clerk in a leading establishment, somewhere in Marylebone--a steady, industrious young fellow, no doubt. However, I shall meet him to-morrow.

THE TYMPANUM.

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

TRANSCRIBER NOTES:

On page 149, a period was added after "by a long way".

On page 149, a period was added after "he feels, afford them".

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