Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 93 August 20 1887. by Various

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The foreboy of the memorialists, Master SMITHERS, in an address premised with "Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentleman of the object of their application. He, and those other fellows, considered the gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say imposition--out of school-hours. It denied them a recreation they particularly wanted to enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which was fun for them as good as for Members of Parliament. Shooting was shooting, whether you shot sparrows or grouse. But ten bob duty was more than poor fellows could afford.

JACKSON, Junior, asked why, if the tax on firearms was intended to prevent a chap from carrying a gun, it wasn't charged just the same upon pistols? You couldn't look into a daily paper hardly without seeing an account of a murder committed, or somebody or other shot, or shooting himself by accident, with a revolver, or the revolver going off on its own accord, and killing its owner or someone else. Cads and roughs almost all of them carried revolvers, and so it was that burglars went about shooting policemen. If every revolver had to be loaded with a licence, or the firearm-duty were enforced for all firearms, it would save no end of lives. But if that didn't signify, and everybody was to be free to carry a revolver, what use was there in what you might call fining a fellow for leave to carry a gun?

The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER said that his young friends appeared to him to have made out a very good case, not so much for the repeal of the gun-duty as for its extension, if necessary, or at any rate its enforcement, as regarded revolvers, upon which the existing duty might require to be increased to an amount which would effectually limit the possession of those dangerous weapons. Meantime he would consult his colleagues, who, he was assured, would give this question their most serious consideration.

The young gentlemen then gave three groans for the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, and bolted.

THE MARBLE ARCH.

I DREAMT that I gazed at the Marble Arch, King Fog and King Coal at my side, The soot of November, the dust-storms of March Had made it a sight to deride. I said all the foreigners think, I'll be bound, To our City this thing is a shame; But I guess 'twill be found, when next Season comes round, That its state is much the same.

EVICTION.

A patriotic Laureate may bid the Rifles form, And Citizens may look to them for safety in War's storm; But Secretaries, Dooks, and such at this delight to jeer, And to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

A semi-swell he may be, but he may be a mere clerk, And he's an interloper, and to snub him is a lark. Sometimes he licks the Regulars, and so our duty's clear, 'Tis to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

He hankers for an increase in his Capitation Grant, It's like his precious impudence, and have the lift he shan't. What, make it easier for him to run us close? No fear! We'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

His targets and his tents and things are nuisances all round, As Jerry-Builders, Dooks, and other Toffs have lately found. Compared with bricks and mortar and big landlords he's small beer, So we'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

Your Citizen who wants to play at soldiers need not look To have his little way as though he were a Royal Dook. With building-leases--sacred things!--he must not interfere, So let us snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

If he must shoot his annual shoot somewhere, why, let him go To Pirbright or to Salisbury Plain, or e'en to Jericho. But out from his loved Wimbledon he'll surely have to clear,-- A final snub, snub, snub, snub to the British Volunteer!

"ROOM AND VERGE."

CHANGE.

FERDINAND AND ARIEL.

COME into Bulgarian Lands, We stretch our hands; 'Tis a chance not to be miss'd. When we have kiss'd Your hand in loyal fealty there, The Crown's sweet burden you may bear. Hark! Hark!

"Why have we to hire a boat to take us from the garden-gate to our front-door?" Oh, because five million gallons of water were poured down our street by the Fire-Brigade men the day before yesterday, and the Main Drainage system is only equal to removing a few gallons at a time.

Naturally the Water Companies have taken advantage of this state of things to suggest to householders that, as they have so much water in their cellars, they can do without any in their cisterns, and to announce therefore that the supply will be discontinued for a week.

Is it a fact that Insurance Premiums in Bayswater now vary in proportion to the distance from Westbourne Grove?

How curious that "two huge columns of fire" should produce at least half a dozen equally huge columns of print!

No, as you say, this wall-paper is not pretty, and walking on hard concrete-floors is a little unpleasant at first; but then, you see, they are both absolutely incombustible.

THE PRIVATE BANKER'S PAEAN.

AN AMUSEMENT SCARCELY LIKELY TO BE POPULAR WITH CHILDREN.--The Switchback.

FIRE AND WATER.

THE Fire Fiend was curst with unquenchable thirst, And his gnomes to his aid having beckoned, From Cornhill to Clapham he flew at a burst, And furious flames soon arose from the first, And volumes of smoke from the second.

That Phlegethon-gorge might have served as the grave Of man and his works altogether; But SHAW, the new Life-guardsman, swordless but brave, Was ever at hand to extinguish and save, And hold the Red Ogre in tether.

The Fire Fiend as usual went at full pelt, But SHAW at his heels followed faster, Of leather well tanned were SHAW'S boots and his belt, And his helmet was brazen for fear it should melt, And the Fire Demon knew him as master.

But SHAW on his enemy kept a cool eye, Of vigilant valour the symbol. Affrighted no more by the Fire Demon's cry Than the squeak of a rat; if the Fire Fiend was spry, His opponent was equally nimble.

For Water, Fire's foe, at his best freely flows, And the Fire Demon dares not to linger Whenever his enemy turns on the hose; He stands in much fear of this foeman and those Who flock at the lift of his finger.

The Fire Fiend has schemes, it is credibly said, For laying half London in ashes; But Water--and SHAW--are the things he must dread, And at sight of an engine he shakes his red head, And his teeth like a lunatic gnashes.

But his fire-gnomes he multiplies lately so fast That the task of repressing them's trying; The flare that they make and the heat that they cast Are so great that the Fiend seems resolved in one blast To set the Metropolis frying.

He blazes and blazes; SHAW gallops to snatch His prey from its desperate danger; But the Demon's a deuce of a rider to catch, And it taxes brave SHAW to continue a match For the fiery noctivagant ranger.

And if London is wise she assistance will call, For the Water King needs the alliance Of hands that are sturdy and limbs that are tall, To give the Fire Demon a rattling good fall, And set all his imps at defiance.

The Fire-Fiend's a foe of redoubtable might, And it takes a stout fighter to floor him; Yet, in spite of his flames, the ignipotent sprite Has been licked up to now by our fire-quelling knight, Who strides so triumphantly o'er him.

Look! look! 'tis our Water-King; doesn't he stand Like Michael, o'ercoming the Dragon? Oh! champion braver than he and his band Of brazen-helmed heroes ne'er fought hand to hand, Or emptied a flask or a flagon.

His sword is an axe, and his spear is a hose, But Paladins famous in story For gallantest charges and swashingest blows, Though demons and dragons they met as their foes Were ne'er more deserving of glory.

Back, lurid in air, for another regale, The Fire-Fiend who's down but not settled, With fresh bellowsed flame will return without fail, And help to oppose him he'll thankfully hail Our Water-King manly and mettled.

He is down, but not dead, and his dreadful red head He again will be lifting to-morrow. 'Tis Hydrant 'gainst Hydra, and shall it be said That for lack of assistance this demon so dread Shall doom the great City to sorrow?

This fierce All-devourer is hungry as Time, And would wolf all the world as food-fuel. A champion we have--is his pose not sublime?-- And so let us help him--to fail were a crime-- To give the Fire Demon his gruel.

Fierce tyrant is Fire, and his foes are too few For a Fiend so alert and so furious, Would London be safe, gallant SHAW and his crew She must manfully back, and she'll find it won't do In this instance to be too penurious.

ROBERT AT THE MINISTERIAL BANKWET.

HER Majesty's Ministers, so far as I understands these sollem matters, don't seam to have been having a partickler cumferal time of it lately. BROWN, who's quite a grate Pollytishun, or at any rate thinks hisself so, which I spose is pritty much the same thing, says, in his wulgar way, as they have been and had 2 or 3 slaps in the face lately as has a good deal staggered 'em, but in course he was ony speaking paragorically, as the chymists says, so I don't suppose as they was werry much hurt by 'em, and they most suttenly didn't show not no sines of 'em when, on Wensday last, they all marched in in triumph to receeve from the Rite Honnerabel the LORD MARE the proud assurance that in his Rite Honnerabel opinion, and in that of the Grand Old Copperashun over witch he so royally presides, they had nobly done their dooty, and well herned the werry hiest reward as he had it in his power to bestow, wiz., a reel Manshun Ouse Bankwet!

Praps if there was one of the werry Noble and Rite Honnerabel Gestes as didn't look quite at his hease, it was the forren Gent as is the CHANCESELLER of the XCHECKER, and in course that's werry heasily accounted for. Weather men bes Tories, or weather they be Libberals, they all likes men as sales strait and sticks to their cullers, and, if it's posserbel, nales 'em to the Marst, and never ewen dreams of bawling 'em down coz the weather's a looking jest a little dusty. Howsumever these sollem thorts ain't quite the thing for such reel jowial Bankwets as that of Wensday, so I banishes 'em hence without no blessing.

The grate Conserwatif Cheefs seemed to thorowly enjoy the change, and to sum on 'em it must have bin a change indeed. Tork about Conserwatifs not liking change, how about changing the Ouse of Commons, with their spessimens of the Wulgar Tung, and their most rude questions, and their imperent mocking larfter, for the splendid Manshun Ouse, and its gorgeous Bankwet, and sitch an arty recepshun from onered Aldermen and uncommon Councilmen as amost broke sum of the new wine-glasses with shaking!

The pore Epping Forest Depputy got pretty well charfed about where the Wenson came from, but he bore it like a man, and arsked for another slice. I was pleased to notice a great improvement in the way as the sacred Loving Cup was passed round, speshally among the Marshonesses and Cowntesses, there wasn't above 2 or 3 on 'em as wood grasp it with their bootiful little wite hands insted of gracefoolly taking off the cover and showing off their dimond rings wen it was hoffered to 'em.

As for the speeches, I thinks as the LORD MARE has about spylt us in that respec. His is allers short and sharp, and spoken out like a man, but most of the others was so slow and so dredfull careful, and so preshus long, that BROWN and me both agreed as they was amost sollum enuff for poor Ministers as is out, rayther than for jolly Ministers as is in.

We was all werry much shocked, speshally us Hed Waiters, at hearing from the LORD MARE as how as sumbody at Guildhall had said as all militerry men was Imposters, and all naval men Tom Fools! But the Fust Lord of the Admiralty gave it him pretty hot in his absense, and said if as any tomfoolery was a goin on anywheres he knew who'd be a taking the lead in it! So Sir WILFULL LAWSON will probberbly be a leetle more carefuller in future.

Lord SORLSBURY made a werry long speech, but all I coud make out of it was two rayther himportant fax. Fustly, that there isn't to be no grate Uropean War until after the 9th of nex Nowember, so I feels rayther sorry for pore Mr. Alderman DE KEYSER, and Seccondly, that if there is to be one anywheres, it will werry possibly be too near home to be pleasant, which I for one was werry sorry to hear, but I hardly thort that he meant it or he would not have made us all larf so by telling us, that the Members of the Ouse of Commons treated it like we men does our wives, that is, we has our own opinion on 'em in private, but we don't allow not nothink to be said against 'em in Public. Ah! my Lord Markiss, how one touch of Natur makes us all kings! Who'd ever have thort that a werry Prime Minister would have been troubled with a similar complaint to that as so offen trubbles a pore Hed Waiter.

Mr. GOSHEN apollergised for the absense of the pore 1st Lord of the Tresury, who was quite nocked up with setting up so late.

And so ended the last of the long seris of grand Bankwets of the rain of Lord Mare HANSON, a seris to be rememberd for many long years by all on us, as combining with all the reglar old lot, such a wariety of noveltys to all sorts and condishuns of sillybrated persons, as has never bin ekalled afore, and as will and down his name to a werry remote posteriority as HANSON the Magnifisent!

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