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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 93 August 20 1887. by Various
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Ebook has 124 lines and 11709 words, and 3 pages
PUNCH,
VOLUME 93.
AUGUST 20, 1887.
THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK.
IN THE TRAIN.
CONTINENTAL Railways are disgracefully mismanaged.
This train does not travel at anything like the rate of our expresses.
The "Flying Scotchman" travels at 50, 100, or 150 miles the hour.
I object to smoking; also wish all the windows to be opened or closed .
A plate of soup, half a roast fowl, and mashed potatoes cannot compare with what we call in England a "ham sandwich."
I object to the lamp being shaded, or insist upon the lamp being shaded .
Why are we stopping here? Why are we not stopping here?
It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that we should not stop here.
If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers.
AT THE STATION.
Why must I go here? Why may I not go here?
I insist upon going where I please.
I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, "what I have to declare."
I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that hat-box.
It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. Where is the Chief of Police?
Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner?
I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examination, that I should have ever been asked for my keys.
I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart.
I do not want to patronise any hotel.
Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage?
I had a right to say I would take no conveyance--as a matter of fact, I knew I should be swindled.
Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to the Station Master.
No, I shall give you nothing--it is contrary to the Bye-laws in England.
AT THE HOTEL.
I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper floors .
I object to the bed-curtains--why are there no bed-curtains?
Your prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my friends against coming to this hotel.
Don't be impertinent.
EN ROUTE.
This scenery is disappointing.
The water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud.
I will not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral.
Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service?
I have seen much better things in a ninth-rate town in England than I find in this Museum.
I consider the whole tour not worth the candle.
It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretences to come abroad.
You can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.
Land Measure.
JESSE content with SALISBURY'S gift? How odd! One acre only, and of cows a lack! Pooh! JESSE takes this "acre" as a "rod"-- For faithless GLADSTONE'S back.
THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.--The Government have been given a good inch . Will they take a League?
WELSH FOR THE WELSH.
Y MORWYNIG GWYNTOEDD.
Hi ddiddleth di ddiddleth ghist katte haw di fiddleth, Ac kowwe pob gofid y munne, Fel lliddell doggggg rawd di see glap spwwt, Ond di pplatt gofid rhosyn di ssspnnn Fy mam, fly man, O pale ale man am di fly man!
PRIVILEGED PISTOLS.
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, it is rumoured, a few days since, received a deputation of schoolboys home for the holidays, and other young gentlemen delegated to him with a petition that he would propose a bill for the repeal of the duty now demanded for permission to carry a gun.
The foreboy of the memorialists, Master SMITHERS, in an address premised with "Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentleman of the object of their application. He, and those other fellows, considered the gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say imposition--out of school-hours. It denied them a recreation they particularly wanted to enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which was fun for them as good as for Members of Parliament. Shooting was shooting, whether you shot sparrows or grouse. But ten bob duty was more than poor fellows could afford.
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