Read Ebook: The Handbook of Conundrums by Ordway Edith B Edith Bertha

Font size: 10 px 15 px 20 px 25 px 30 px 35 px

Background color: BlackWhiteGrayLight GrayDark GrayDim Gray

Text color: BlackWhiteGrayLight GrayDark GrayDim Gray

Apply/Save settings

Ebook has 1665 lines and 33081 words, and 34 pages

The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man."

A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.

"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth anything at all."

A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider. "Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."

Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill or bond? I O U.

Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."

A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?" "Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had lost your senses, that you talk so idly."

One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."

A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown study.

"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are sure to be beaten."

Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.

How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.

Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it, yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.

One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves that he had made.

A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was ever after called "Master W."

One was wondering why the people of AEthiopia did not write straight along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote under the line, and that was the reason of it.

A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill could never dye well.

What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.

An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.

What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a playhouse? A box.

One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet with a watch as with anything else.

One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.

A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."

The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.

A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none, and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.

A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the river, for it came without calling.

A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground, exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up the stones, and let the dogs loose!"

A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah, if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."

A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied. "Do you not see that I am becalmed?"

Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing.

Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.

Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.

Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.

One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe , asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so near heaven again.

What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the devil, trouble the whole world.

Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air.

What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary.

Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit faults with license.

Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are lunatic.

It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year."

One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays" , "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little or no waste in a whole suit."

The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal.

A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the devil.'

"This is a riddle to a fool, methinks, And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx, But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."

Sufficient.

MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS

Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages.

How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read of his struggles with the tight-uns .

What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell .

Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a goddess? Because she's a second floorer .

Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because he's a sea-king what never was.

Share on: WhatsApp @Hash Facebook Tweet