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Read Ebook: The Handbook of Conundrums by Ordway Edith B Edith Bertha
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INTRODUCTION 7
EARLY ENGLISH WIT
In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter, the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.
A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.
A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer warm.
"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the ears."
A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows than such hard words.
What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost every book?
A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go handsome in their clothes.
An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as Dutchmen do cheese.
It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but action."
A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body.
One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.
A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."
It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either of them shall die a beggar."
Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because the first woman was made of a crooked thing.
One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least was to be chosen."
A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of mad men, and he would give it to them again.
The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is "nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living."
"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders of that hospital you speak of."
It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.
A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.
Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a deeper knowledge of it than any others.
"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."
"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun, for he hath always many irons in the fire."
The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit," embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."
Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have extraordinary reach.
Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at rest.
It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help themselves.
Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their business without a rule.
A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or anything else.
Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth covers it.
A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and wife."
Tobacconists would endure war well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoke.
Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do anything but it is against the hair .
Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to their vices.
It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never says anything that he can stand to.
"Horse-keepers and ostlers are still stable men."
A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he truly is.
Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as content in rags as in robes.
"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate upon their backs.
An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient shall see he does it.
He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are always employed in mending soles.
A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way home reeling.
An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For," he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the town."
A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a stone swim.
One who had received a threat that another would break his head with a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a stone."
A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man."
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